My Professor, Formerly Known as the Racist

Tathkiroon mara geltlikom 3an a professor I had eli kan 7ada racist? Well this semester I'm taking another class with him o honestly I could dedicate an entire blog to him o swalfa!

For example, he talks wayed okay? O his english is terrible el maskeen ma3ana he's supposed to be fluent in it. Anyway apparently there were a lot of complaints about him talking in Arabic during lectures fa he decided to address this issue last week, during his first class of the semester.

Beginning of class:

Hello, my name is Dr. Flan al Flani, some of you may know me...now before we start I must tell you something that is very important. You see this is a high-level course which means we cannot do like before...always talking in arabic...

Ten minutes later:

So you see, what i'm trying to say is we must all try to speak in English. It is for everyone's benefit...

Thirteen minutes later:

...but of course if there is one word maybe you don't know how to say in English then of course we will help you and tell you the word in Arabic...but mostly we must speak english.

Seven more minutes later:

Anyway, I think now you all understand about the requirement for this class. Enzain yalla khal nabdi.. ana awal shay bagool attendance o ba3dain bawareekom el kitab eli lazim tishtiroona, hal kitab wayed zain ana el 9ara7a ka Diktor wayed a7eba..

Mu min sijjaaaaaa...!!
O 6ool el mu7athara ga3ad esolif bel 3araby o el9af kella ma gal one word in english!

On to another topic....ga3adt min elnoom meshtahya CHABDAAAA...

way3 9a7?

kelish mu feminine 9ayra Um Manaf ..

A9lan min kither ma I was craving it re7t 7ag Hubby wihwa nayem o I shook him awake o lama maskeen ga3ad ekhtara3 shwaya (cuz kent lazga wayhi in his face) chan egooli "shfeech shfeech?!"
chan a6al3a ib daloo3a eyes wagooola "aby chabda"
O now, three and a half hours and two home-made cheddar cheese sandwhichs later, baroo7 my favorite ma63am for some chabdaaaa ;p

Religious Conversation at the Lunch Table

So yesterday, the entire family is gathered at the lunch table enjoying a lovely dish of gaboo6 when the light conversation took a deep and religious turn...one that dear Hubby was not prepared for...it went something like this:

Sister: tadroon ena belail lama tnamoon your soul gets taken up to heaven by Zakhrafees
Aunt: Mnu Zakhrafees?
Mama: she means Hafees
Aunt: Hafees mu sha3er qadeem?
Dad (just joining the conversation): wain eroo7oon our souls?!
Sister: Foog 3ind Zakhrafees o Hafees
Dad: laish?
Sister (trying to be funny): 3ashan yeshriboon gahwa weridoon
Hubby (staring intently at plate, head down): estaghfer Allah, estaghfer Allah...

Tragedy Strikes Um Manaf

I have betrayed my readers. I have committed the ultimate sin in Blogostianity-aism, I have failed to maintain a steady posting habit. Bes lama t3arfoon why, I'm sure you'll understand...or at least if you decide not to understand, then for the sake of all our lovely memories, politely but firmly hit the X button on the upper right side of your screen and forever more speak no ill of me.

So now, on to my tragedy.

For the past few months I found myself staring at this screen, this dusty, chocolate-stained, screen hopelessly trying to write. But something won't let me; or should I say someone...

Someone who has completely taken over my life, and has brought with it such shocking and tragic news that I found myself paralyzed at the fingers, not knowing what to type..

Bes before I introduce you to that someone lazim agoolikom how I got to meet this someone. It was four months ago, in a bathroom far far away ... (to be exact, the one in my parents house) where the blogger you know as Um Manaf discovered a secret. This secret came in the form of a positive sign on the end of a peeing stick.

But the tragedy isn't that Um Manaf got knocked up but it is that after hours and hours of crying (mostly by my mom after realizing she's officially joining the grandma club) and lots and lots of shopping (again by my mom for anti-wrinkle and aging cream) I sat with dearest hubby to pick names...

And when I suggested Manaf ... the unexpected happened. He .... he .... politely shook his head and said NO!!!!!!!!!

My legacy!

The minutes of my life that I dedicated to this blog...

The semi-attachment I have to the term "Um Manaf"

...all gone? With a simple shake of the head?



Can I be both Um Manaf and Um Soon-to-be-Decided? This is not a question anyone can answer lightly...and so I think it would be wise for me to go have a cupcake while I debate something so philosophical and deep.


ps - I might be a while as there are several other deep questions I must answer...such as vanilla or red velvet ... or possibly both?

Obama Wins the Nobel Peace Prize

As some of you might know, in 2009 the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to America’s 44^th president Barack Obama. He now joins a long list of the world’s greatest contributors to the humanitarian welfare of our planet. Is this award well deserved you may ask? Let’s see…Martin Luther King Jr. led hundreds of discriminated-against African Americans in marches against abuse resorting only to peaceful singing when they got beaten down… he also cleverly crafted what could be considered the most famous speech in the world (although hardly anyone knows the words past “I have a dream…), and finally got shot in the head for his efforts. Gandhi marched for miles convincing a population of people who considered eating a sacred act only second to reaching Nirvana to starve themselves, eventually driving the British out of his country…and he wasn’t afraid to do it all while wearing a diaper. He too eventually got shot in the head.

While Gandhi didn’t receive a Nobel Peace prize for his efforts, he certainly deserved it much more than Obama. But let’s not judge the President of the Free Nation so quickly, after all he has done his fair share for mankind. For example he prevented the likes of Hilary Clinton and Sarah Palin from entering the white house, thus relieving the entire world of an exaggerating egotistical pathological liar with dictator tendencies and an extremely confused little girl who really didn’t know where she was or what she was doing. Obama also took Oprah along on his presidential campaign finally proving to the world that Oprah really did have more power than the President of the United States. Finally, Obama, in a slightly less memorable speech than King Jr’s, tells the world that he wants ….wait for it….peace in the Middle East.

I too want “peace in the Middle East”. Now where can I pick up my Nobel Peace Prize?

Coffee Republic

While I am not a fan of the overly “Gaz” hangout Coffee Republic in Free Zone, I found myself accompanying some of my friends there recently. From the moment I walked through the grassy lawn I recognized everyone there. It was as if the entire AUK population signed a secret contract with the coffee shop to serve them and them alone; and I get the immediate sensation that I’m missing my notebook and that I should be rushing to a lecture somewhere but I remind myself that I am not on campus. The first thing I notice when I walk up to the counter to place my order is the six different employees crushed up against each other in the narrow space behind the cash register. I wonder why they need that many workers for such a small space. I only needed to place my order for my question to be answered.

I tell the first worker what I want, a caffe latte with a slice of cheesecake. She turns to the worker next to her as if I’d asked her to list the latest discoveries in the field of quantum physics. To her misfortune the worker next to her was not much brighter than she and required the assistance of the man next to him. I now have half the Coffee Republic team working on my order. Once the difficult task of deciphering my almost-impossible order of milk and coffee with a slice of cheesecake was finally complete the lady behind the cash register informed me of the total of my order. I take out a twenty and place it on the counter then spend the next eight minutes watching the second half of the Coffee Republic team join the first half in figuring out how much change I should receive.

The answer was 17 KD.

Finally with my drink and cheesecake in hand we head to a corner table outside and take a seat. And we stare at those around us while they stare at us. And then some more staring. And finally, just while I think that no more staring could be done…everyone stares some more.

After consuming my rubber-tire tasting cheesecake (and trust me I am insulting rubber-tire when I say this) we get up and head home. But don’t think for one second that we did not stare as we drove off.

Atlantis

Okay so Rome is out of the picture for now (adry bechait dam bes ma nefa3..) fa shakelna heading to Dubai, awal shay i was depressed bes teshaja3t shwaya yoom sheft e9war elfindiq, i've been to dubai a couple of times bes wela mara sekant ib Atlantis o ebnig3ad bil room eli underwater fa it looks interesting.

So here's what I plan to do while i'm there:

1. Aby arkab hot air balloon!! Aby ashoof shakel el sky when i'm up there, the land down below me from such a high place, o my hubby passed out on the floor of the balloon due to his fear of heights. Wanasa!

2. Basba7 weya dolphins! El9ara7a ma buga a7ad ib hal deera ma7a6 9oorta wihwa posing yam a dolphin wela riding it (insert perverted laughter) wela kissing it fa laish ana maykoon 3indi 9oora ba3ad? Aby a pose with the dolphin jumping up from the water wana holding on to its fin o flying with it....then the fin tears off and the pool turns red with blood. Olla gruesome. (6ala3 Um Manaf has a dark side wana madry).
3. Shopping 6ab3aaaaaaaaaan...wa3alaya 3al zooj 3abala since he's not taking me to Rome he's off the hook with the shopping ...

4. Aby aroo7 show, 7asafa chan zain Axis of Evil mawjoodeen aw 7abeebi Russel Peters! Fe Nickelback concert bes ma atwaqa3 benla7eg...

Yalla suggest things for me to do!

Um Manaf Wants To Get Out of Here....

Is it just me or is this weather making everybody lazy? All I want to do is lie around and my body is always aching... a7es ini 3ayooz.

Waray 3ers bacher...maly khelg. MALY KHELG! I hate weddings...I almost called in sick for my own wedding.

Chinii....CHINIII baroo7 Roma soon... but it highly depends on whether the hibernating bear I like to call HUBBY manages to wake up.

Aby a9eer more active... (but unfortunately just typing this post is wiping me out...my fingers are so over worked..)

Baroo7 a6ali3 "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" o yemkin ajareb PF Changs bes ygooloon waiting list. Shlona elma63am? Wela bes chithi haba mithel Dean and Delucas o Napket o adopting african babies?

I want to be taller, i'm not short el7imdila 6ooly zain, bes I want two more inches...no three! Shlon???? Lazim fe 7al! Oh, ka3ab..! Bes e3awerni ma7eb...so find me another 7al!

Aby a5ith kick boxing classes with the hubby bes rafith...he says i'm too delicate for such a sport...la 6aal eb 3aini galy "maly khelg roo7ay broo7ich" ... So sad! Does he not know that I'll be using whatever I learn on him and that it would be in his best interest to come with me and learn how to defend himself? No more tears as weapons min elyoom o raye7! Instead I'll side-kick his face!

Um Manaf Buys an Apocalypto

Scene 1:

Um Manaf tearfully stares at her body in the mirror
*No* she gasps to herself, *it cannot be*...

(Dim lights, sound music)

Um Manaf kicks her legs up in the air in a dance routine and begins running around the room

"Todddaayyy is the begiinnniiiinnnggg of the rest of myyyy lifffeee, a thinner body is where i'll strriiiivveee...a body thats thin tonnneeedd and leeeaaannn...thaats why i need an apocalypto machiinnneeee"

(Lights off, Um Manaf walks off stage)

Scene 2:

(At Go Sport in Avenues)

Um Manaf: Excuse me sir, do you have an apocalypto machine?
Helper: uumm...an elliptical machine?
Um Manaf: is that the one that will make me look good....like Adriana Lima?
Helper: (looks Um Manaf up and down) if you try reallly hard...for long time ma'am...maybe..

Scene 3:

At home, hubby is trying to put machine together. Hubby cuts hand, bleeds, storms out. Um Manaf hugs machine hoping that the sheer nearness of it will start burning her extra calories.

Um Manaf: NO! I WONT GIVE UP!

(and she begins to work! In goes one screw...out it goes again....wrong screw! In goes a new screw...out it goes again...no wait in it goes...oh yes it's the right one...)

Scene 4:

1.5 hours later machine is up and running! Um Manaf steps on it and turns on the screen ZERO CALORIES BURNT it reads. Smiling to herself Um Manaf prepares herself to start working out..

Um Manaf: I WONT SLEEP TIL I'VE BURNT 1000 CALORIES TONIGHT

3.7 minutes later...

Um Manaf wobbles off the machine and into bedroom. Goodnight. *wobble wobble*

Um Manaf Pretends She's Done With Finals

For one night only...for a few comforting hours...I shall pretend that I, Um Manaf, do not have something called "finals".

Okay el9ara7a who am I kidding its not like I was even studying in the first place. While people's phone statuses were "finals" or "7 days left" ... my status was .. well blank beacuse I was too busy being lazy and roaming the streets of K-Town to bother posting shay.

Who was my lovely accomplice you might ask? Aside from the 3gaidi in the 3gaidier mustang who kept mouthing out his number whilst pouting seductively our way..my lovely friend M.

Now.. while my husband sits in the living room working hard on some mathematical equation that in my opinion looks like it was written in a mixture of Japanese and old cave-men paintings..I sit in my room with Abu Baker on really loudly in order to give the illusion that i am "partying" while he is working.

Yes...I am 7aqeera like that.

La La taboon el9ij abeeh eyey yeg3ad 3indi fa i have to make it seem like i'm in the "fun room" ... i've considered scattering popcorn all the way from the 9ala to the bedroom bes we all know who's going to end up cleaning that :( ..

Enzain yalla baroo7 a6ali3 the new Desperate Housewives episode..I know half of you reading this post are taking a so called "break" from your studying to to all of you i say "HAH...guess who doesn't have finals to worry about?! Um Manaf..that's who!"





ps: a7ad e3aref du3a2 qawii for people who might possibly end up failing this semester?? my uh "friend" could really use it.

Mako Salfa..

Ma3indi shay to write about.. fa bakharbi6 shwaya

- 3indi wayed work to do for finals o ma sawait shay.
- O maly khelg asawi shay
- Oo wedi a7ad esawee el shighel 3ani
- Or wedi e9eerli khelg to do el shighel
- I've decided its time for Um Manaf to have her battle with perscription-drug addiction. I'm starting with panadol night o this herbal "calming" thing eli ekhaly my left arm go numb...
- It doesn't make me calm tho.. in fact i'm the opposite of calm
- 9ayra a7alim ini ga3d at'hawash weya zoji wagoom im3a9ba o china 9ij met'hawsheen
- 9ayra hal ayam i stay up in bed o have deep meaningful conversations with myself. 3an life...o love...o religion.
- Its so sad ina its with myself
- In fact...after spending so much time with myself la7atht shay
- i'm boring
- Malait min shakh9eeti
- Malait min shakli
- Malait min sha3ry
- Malait min esmii
- Subconciously stressed?
- Split personality disorder?
- I tried going on a shopping spree + dying my hair...it didn't work

Aby at3araf 3ala someone new (not a guy! Don't freak out faj2a alga fwds "um manaf cheats on husband".. laa ya naas manaby hal kharabee6) .. What I mean is a new interesting friend. Someone I can learn stuff from. Fe a7ad minkom interesting enough?

Yalla I'm proposing plan "How Um Manaf Got Her Groove Back..."

Here are the guidelines:

1. Anyone interested in helping me get my groove back email me at um.manaf@gmail.com
2. You must be interesting
3. You must like food, a lot of my conversations revolve around food
4. You must completely and totally worship me, the ground i walk on, and the golden drenched words I speak....even if they are about what flavor ice-cream i'm about to devour first vanilla or strawberry cheesecake
5. You must be able to undo all the mental and emotional damage that I've been through in the past 21.8 years.
6. Okh I just got an idea...et'hagoon vanilla ice cream wya redbull ye6la3 7elo?
7. Yalla baroo7 ajareb 3ala ma you email me...if i don't reply to your emails please call 911 and tell them ina i probably poisoned myself bel ghala6
8. or took too many of my "calm.." pills and my left arm has fallen off
9. And yes i did mean 911 because lets face it even if they came by boat across all seven oceans and took a mini 2 week vacation in thailand before arriving at my house...they'd still be here faster than 777 (or 112 ...mako farg el9ara7a it's not like they'll answer 112 either)